Thursday, January 23, 2014

Splurge on Spanx

I can attest to the fact that all shapewear undergarments are not made the same.  There is a difference between the $30 piece at your local bullseye store and the department store's full priced $75 shock to your wallet.

Initially, you stand there in your hot little number with generic shapewear shaping the areas that need a little shaping, staring at yourself with a shockingly approving eye thinking "I really can carry this off, who needs that expensive stuff, this works just as well!"  You grab your naturally fabulous clutch and stroll out the door.

Then you sit down. In the car. You aren't even out of the garage. And that's when it happens. The top rolls down. The legs roll up. Your circulation gets cut off. And the loss of oxygen brings a clear picture of your future.  You will have to master the unroll with the coolness of a secret agent and grace of a center stage ballerina.

Yes, you will have to manage to maintain this grace and coolness every time you get up from the table. Really, before you get up. You will discreetly (no one noticed right?) manage to unroll the bottom and the top to remove any unsightliness before making a trip for the heavy duty task of actually righting the situation in the bathroom.  During said trip you will reassure yourself that this won't happen the next time you sit down. No hallucinogenic drugs were consumed to make you think this thought.  It's just the optimism that goes with needing to wear shapewear in the first place.

I have been there. Many times. Swearing in the bathroom, wondering how I got there and thinking about how I'll be more careful the next time I sit down. It won't happen again.

It happens. The curling starts and continues. As does the secret unrolling dance. Over and over and over.

So I did it.

I went to one store looking specifically for SPANX and they had another line from the maker. I asked a rep if they didn't have the actual SPANX  and if these other ones worked just as well.

The truth came out.  "No, if you want SPANX , you need to buy SPANX ." She told me where to get them them and I went on my merry way.

The SPANX  sales woman guessed my size in the shapewear (she probably could have guessed my weight). She even gave me advice on how to put them on. Yes, these things need instructions. Shapewear that works this well shouldn't be that easy anyway.

I put them on and knew the truth.

I plunked down the full price of a pair of those hold it all together SPANX. The ones that go from just below mid-thigh to just under the bra.

They work. And in the way I imagined all of those other impostors would work.  They look good standing and sitting.  I've finally found the freedom to keep it all together.

I was late to the party. I thought I could outsmart them. I thought I could save my pennies, but I've squandered them on everything before these.

And I learned something in the process.  I'm really good at putting them on.  It's a good thing because I just can't bring myself to use the handy-dandy discreetly described "cotton double gusset for comfort and ease when nature calls." For simplicity's sake I call it the pee hole. TMI? Well, I bet you're afraid to use it too.


  1. I was laughing all through reading this! You are a funny writer - glad you have all your foundations in order! ;)

  2. What is a girl without her foundations?