Thursday, January 23, 2014

Splurge on Spanx

I can attest to the fact that all shapewear undergarments are not made the same.  There is a difference between the $30 piece at your local bullseye store and the department store's full priced $75 shock to your wallet.

Initially, you stand there in your hot little number with generic shapewear shaping the areas that need a little shaping, staring at yourself with a shockingly approving eye thinking "I really can carry this off, who needs that expensive stuff, this works just as well!"  You grab your naturally fabulous clutch and stroll out the door.

Then you sit down. In the car. You aren't even out of the garage. And that's when it happens. The top rolls down. The legs roll up. Your circulation gets cut off. And the loss of oxygen brings a clear picture of your future.  You will have to master the unroll with the coolness of a secret agent and grace of a center stage ballerina.

Yes, you will have to manage to maintain this grace and coolness every time you get up from the table. Really, before you get up. You will discreetly (no one noticed right?) manage to unroll the bottom and the top to remove any unsightliness before making a trip for the heavy duty task of actually righting the situation in the bathroom.  During said trip you will reassure yourself that this won't happen the next time you sit down. No hallucinogenic drugs were consumed to make you think this thought.  It's just the optimism that goes with needing to wear shapewear in the first place.

I have been there. Many times. Swearing in the bathroom, wondering how I got there and thinking about how I'll be more careful the next time I sit down. It won't happen again.

It happens. The curling starts and continues. As does the secret unrolling dance. Over and over and over.

So I did it.

I went to one store looking specifically for SPANX and they had another line from the maker. I asked a rep if they didn't have the actual SPANX  and if these other ones worked just as well.

The truth came out.  "No, if you want SPANX , you need to buy SPANX ." She told me where to get them them and I went on my merry way.

The SPANX  sales woman guessed my size in the shapewear (she probably could have guessed my weight). She even gave me advice on how to put them on. Yes, these things need instructions. Shapewear that works this well shouldn't be that easy anyway.

I put them on and knew the truth.

I plunked down the full price of a pair of those hold it all together SPANX. The ones that go from just below mid-thigh to just under the bra.

They work. And in the way I imagined all of those other impostors would work.  They look good standing and sitting.  I've finally found the freedom to keep it all together.

I was late to the party. I thought I could outsmart them. I thought I could save my pennies, but I've squandered them on everything before these.

And I learned something in the process.  I'm really good at putting them on.  It's a good thing because I just can't bring myself to use the handy-dandy discreetly described "cotton double gusset for comfort and ease when nature calls." For simplicity's sake I call it the pee hole. TMI? Well, I bet you're afraid to use it too.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Don't Walk this Way

It's the new year!  Technically it is, right? We aren't even out of January yet!  

Well I haven't blogged since September, even though I actually have a draft of a blog from Thanksgiving started.  So much has happened and I have so many pictures to prove it.  

This year has also been pretty exciting too. I will recap little by little soon.  

I'm trying to get back in the running groove after taking a fairly long hiatus since completing the Sticks and Stones 13.2 miler with Justin back on December 1. For a little while I battled some top of foot pain caused by running on uneven pavement for that entire distance.  When the road isn't closed for the course you put safety first, and run close to the grass (no sidewalks in these neighborhoods) and against traffic. Good for seeing cars, bad for the top of my feet.

Given my <insert sarcastic font here> extensive experience with road running (in my neighborhood counts right?),  I thought it was pretty much a given that when out for a stroll in the neighborhood you walk (or run) against traffic. 

Like I said before, safety first! Right?

Sure, sure every now and then you cross the street to avoid an animal, or in my case I cross the street so I don't scare the bejeezus out of some ahead of me and my almost 80 lb dog. 

Tonight was a little bit different though. I came upon a couple, a man and a woman, moving with traffic- so towards Wookie! and me- and they didn't cross the road, in fact they barely gave any way. 

So while I have Wookie! on a short leash (think a foot longer than him and It's wrapped up around my hand), he's going to think these people might want to love on him, so he'll move their way. I figure if they are okay with being that close to my dog then that speaks for itself. Also an 80 lb dog wanting attention has more momentum then people would think. And besides, they have the whole road and technically should be on the other side of the street.

Well, while the man barely flinched when passing Wookie!, I can only assume the pup was confused that no love was given, so he went towards them and the woman didn't say anything to me, but she definitely acted put out. 

Wookie! shook off the confusion of not getting any love from a stranger and I shook off the frustration of knowing that the woman stayed so close to my dog even though she was obviously uncomfortable. I personally don't go into the reptile house at the zoo for a reason people.  

Near the end of our run before the turn around to hit the final half-mile another woman came jogging towards us with traffic and barely gave us any room.  In fact she didn't smile or wave or anything. Which just always puts me off.  Justin can attest to that.  I hate unfriendlies in the neighborhood.  It's not as though we know everyone's name, but a wave or a head nod or some eye contact is all I'm looking for people.  

So I'll continue to wave, make eye contact and smile, as long as they continue to stay on their side of the road. Who am I kidding, I'll do it anyway, they just better be ready to pet Wookie! too.